ugh where do i start...
so there was this guy.
i met him two summers ago, that crazy summer where juliana had a crisis and stayed in san francisco for a while, and i worked at naia and ended up doing lots of drugs and going buck wild.
his name is jake b. he was an industrial design student at cca in potrero hill, the school where my dad was offered a job to teach. i thought he was the coolest guy. i only met him once that summer, and we hung out at his house and watched movies in bed together. what really got me about him was that he we were the same kind of weird. you know how there are a lot of different kinds of weird? well he was my kind of weird. quirky. he liked punk rock too, and had all these cool books and gadgets and crap that i would totally buy at a garage sale if id had the chance or seen it first.
anyways, when i chilled with him that day, we took a nap together. he was so cute to me, a little older, but like half-bear half just whatever. he liked to go fishing at tahoe and told me about doing shrooms and sucking on a lime for hours because thats the type of shit you do when you're fucked up. i thought it was an endearing story. we ended up getting pizza at goat hill and then coffee, and i told him i wanted to see him again soon.
i remember after that day i hung out with aundy and her dad. we were going to some storage space to grab some shit for their house, and the whole ride there i just couldn't stop talking about him. i just felt like we clicked, and i was just really excited that there was some other dude out there who was like me- or like me enough that i liked him a lot. plus, i thought he was hot, and remember thinking, why the fuck would this dude want to have anything to do with me? i guess i was that enamored.
i remember it was a week before i had to go back to school. for some reason i told aundy's dad of all people that i didn't even wanna go back to school. i just wanted to move in with this dude id just met and never go back to that fucked up college again. of course, he talked me out of it, which wasn't too hard because im not that impulsive anyway.
the next summer i came back home and called jake. he told me he couldnt hang out because he was in a relationship with some girl. i was kinda bummed, but decided whatever, that i guess it was good what we had and that i should just move on.
this summer, he contacts me and we start talking again. he said he wanted to hang out, and i was game.
so i got to see him today. i was kinda nervous about going, but i really wanted to. he showed up in a cab outside his house, i guess he didnt wanna keep me waiting. we watched this movie called moon, where this guy who's consigned to monitor resource-gathering equipment in space for three years only eats beans and has a machine friend kinda like HAL on 2001 space odddysy, goes apeshit and sees naked girls everywhere, and finds out there are hella clones of himself up there incubating. it was weird.
so we fucked around, and took a nap. then we got vietnamese food, which was bomb. there, he talked to me about relatinoships. turns out, the girl he dated was a tranny, and he just got all bitter all of the sudden. he told me he's been in hella relatinoships, but basically when it came down to commitment time, he ran away. i could see that i guess. at one point he said, "im 32 and still havent figured out this shit. i just need someone who likes assholes. if theres someone who likes a grumpy old fuck, then id be like, hey! thats me!" i didnt know what to say to that, i just thought that yeah, basically you're telling me that we cant be in a relatinoship, which isn't really what i was looking for anyway. but i didnt think he was an asshole. i liked him. at least, i did then.
so after that we went to his neighborhood bar called "parkside." it was pretty empty. but there was a photobooth there, and i asked him if he wanted to take a picture. so we did, and when they came out, he took one look at them and went: "you look like an immigrant"
i was so shocked that all i could muster was a "thats fucked up." all he said was "yup," and that was that. the rest of the time, he just chatted up the bartender and some CCA student, and i just sat there, staring at the football game, thinking about how lame he was. i cant believe i didn't say anything to that- i just felt so paralyzed, and almost even guilty for thinking that way, as if i were overreacting or something, which is definitely dangerous territory. like kathleen h says, whatever you feel is alright alright alright alright. i should've never second guessed myself.
so he hugged me good bye and just peaced out. on the bus, i just felt so numb. i cant believe i thought he was a cool dude. and not even just that, i thought he was the coolest dude ever. and then he just pulled this racist bullshit out od his ass like it was nothing. like i was nothing. im disappointed in myself for actually having faith in this guy.
after that i just ended up chainsmoking cigarettes and shaking my head on the corner of market and church, while all of these white people walked by totally oblivious. i felt so silent and insignificant. i shouldve fucking said something. but the words were just lodged in my throat, ready to leap, but just... didn't.
he totally was an asshole. i totally realized why the fuck this dude wanted anything to do with me. because he's a fucking asshole. i thought about how many relationships he's been in, or at least he's said he's been in, and thought wow. people are shallow as fuck. they probably only dated him because he's hot. and he was the one to break it off. its hard to swallow the fact that this asshole is gonna get more ass than me because of his looks. not even his personality. he might even be rewarded for his assholeness with more ass. what the fuck dude.
im so fucking done with these loser fucktards
at least not yet. its SEPTEMBER. think about it.